Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Console Post: Microsoft

I had a friend in college named Al.

Al liked this girl named Janice, but she wouldn't go out with him unless he found a date for her friend. So he showed me the picture of this friend, and while she looked borderline, I was trying to help him out, so I agreed.

He asked them over and we were going to cook spaghetti. He had just dumped the spaghetti out into the strainer, steam still rising from the pot, when we heard a voice and the door opened.

Al walked into the living room to greet them.

Within seconds, he came blasting back into the kitchen like a rocket fueled dragster. "I'm sorry," he muttered under his breath, right before they walked in. "I'M TERRY," she said, rattling the walls.

My "date" had put on thirty pounds, at least, since the photo I saw. And she'd apparently put on about forty decibels, too, because every time she said something, a picture of a lighthouse foghorn came to mind.

This was the bait and switch of a lifetime. Until yesterday, anyway, when Microsoft had their E3 keynote.

Seriously, Microsoft, "Kinect?" WTF is that--a piece of Norwegian furniture? Nintendo named their console after a euphemism for urination and did a better job. The team that came up with that name probably spent half a million dollars to squash together "kinetic" and "connect?" Good job, boys--enjoy your vice presidencies.
So let's take a look at the launch games for Kinect. Let's see:
--dance games
--pet raising games
--fitness games
--sports mini-games
--a rafting game (I can't even make shit up this good)

Holy crap, Microsoft, you just announced copies of all the ***damn games you've been making fun of for the last three years.

At least there's some good news: the price. Wait, no there isn't, because Microsoft didn't even announce one. Gamestop was listing it at $149 earlier today, though.

That seems fair--if I have one month to live.

This appears to be the biggest bomb of a product launch ever. This is going to extend the lifecycle of the 360? Are you kidding me? This is two slices of fail with fail sauce on top.

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