Monday, September 13, 2004

Crosby, Stills, and Nash: The East Texas Outtakes

We were driving back from Shreveport on Sunday, traveling through East Texas.

That sentence alone, with both 'Shreveport' and 'East Texas' in the same sentence, is enough to give those of you familiar with both the shivers. As it should.

As fate would have it, we were driving through Malakoff, Texas, a hole in the wall (with apologies to both the hole and the wall) town of the kind that are liberally sprinkled throughout East Texas. There was the mandatory, L-shaped strip mall with six shops that looked like it had been built thirty years ago, but something about this strip mall was different.

It had an electrolysis center.

We immediately began to speculate (we do that) on why a town the size of Malakoff would need an electrolysis 'center.' This led to speculation about East Texas in general and my off-handed comment that "There's a reason there's not a song called Malakoff Express," referring, of course, to Crosby, Stills, and Nash's sonically beautiful 'Marrakesh Express.'

Then I thought--but what if there was?

What if Crosby, Still, and Nash never made it to Marrakesh? What if they never made it further than Malakoff?

And as a disclaimer, I do not know anyone in Malakoff. I'm sure they're fine people. They just had the unfortunate luck of having a name that reminded me of 'Marrakesh.' And that electrolysis center. The people in this song aren't even from Malakoff--they're actually traveling to Malakoff. And as a technical note, 'Big Rig Video and Boutique' is not actually located in Malakoff, but somewhere further southwest.

I think you know what tune this song should be sung to.

Looking at the world through a bleary whisky haze,
Driving the truck at ninety, I feel a little dazed,
Pigs and cows and chickens call,
Carpet of dung wall to wall,
My lady's five feet tall and four feet wide.
We've got a date for somewhere chic
Big Rig Video and Manicure Boutique.
We'll leave right after I shuck this corn
She'll do your nails and I'll pick up a little porn.

Wouldn't you know we're riding on the Malakoff Express.
Wouldn't you know we're riding on the Malakoff Express,
We go for e-lec-trol-y-sis.
All aboard the truck.
All aboard the truck.

I've been saving all my money just to take you there
I smell the creek mud in your hair.
Take the truck from Tyler and be sure you're goin' south,
Truck windshield's busted,
don't get bugs inside your m m m m mouth.
Momma's cotton panties hanging on the line,
Big and white, they sure look fine,
Tried 'em on once, just wish they were mine.
Well, let me hear ya now.

Wouldn't you know we're riding on the Malakoff Express,
Wouldn't you know we're riding on the Malakoff Express,
We go for e-lec-trol-y-sis.
All aboard the truck,
All aboard the truck,
All aboard!

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